Today there is no silencing the darkness.  Today I am shrouded in a heavy, black cloud.

This cloud slowly sucking life from my body.  A storm cloud, thundering so loudly I am unable to hear anything but its booming.

Booming, booming, booming.  Silencing peace.  Silencing positivity.  Silencing all logic.

 

Physically, I hurt.  More of an ache, really.   Waxing and waning like the tide.  My hands and feet tingle when the anxiety comes.  The weight of my chest increasing 10 times when the feeling is at its worst.

I am tired, so tired (even though I slept from 11am Tuesday until 8am today, Wednesday).  In spite of this excessive sleep, all I want to do is go back to sleep (but even that thought brings anxiety about tomorrow).

I spent the morning drinking coffee as usual, although today, I retreated into the quiet darkness of my closet.

I close the door and quietly cry.  Floods of tears soak my face, no matter how hard I try to hold them back. Even when I gather the strength to leave the safety of my closet, tears continue to escape.

My mind swirls with thoughts and emotion.

Worry. Sadness. Confusion. Anger. Defeat.

Breathe, just breathe I tell myself.

Breathe, just breathe.

The swirling madness slows. Still, I am unable to make it stop.

I go through the motions.  I put one foot in front of the other.

I should eat, but I can’t.  I should watch a funny movie.  I should meditate.  I should take a walk.  I should exercise.  I should…. I should…I should…

Instead, I remain frozen in my depression.  I disappear into the blackness.  Trapped in my own head.  I feel sorry for myself.  I feel stupid for the illogical thoughts that control my mind.  I feel like a failure at life.  I feel, and feel, and feel. I feel until the only feeling I have is numbness…. then I remember,

Breathe, just breathe.

There are five reasons, I remain.  Five reasons, I keep going.  Five constant reminders to…

Breathe, just breathe.

One day the world may turn its back on them.  One day they may need someone in their corner.  One day they may feel as alone as I have felt.  As long as it is in my power, I will ensure that they are never alone (no matter the twists and turns they face, no matter their choices, no matter what).

I hug the little two, I look at pictures.  I write words the five may never read.  I find comfort in their goodness.  Peace in their innocence.  Hope in their potential.

Breathe, just breathe.

Loved ones stand by helpless, unable to pull me from the blackness.  They can’t. No one can.  I have to face it alone.  Yes, it helps to have support.  It is nice when someone reminds you they are there.  But ultimately, when the battle is with your mind, you are the one doing the fighting.

You are the one who must continually, tirelessly, each and every day, save yourself.  No one else can.

I know this will pass.  I’ve been here before.  Eventually the sun will shine again.  Light and love always win.

Even in this knowing, today I remain cloaked in my darkness. A familiar feeling.

Today, like many other days, I am my own worst enemy.  My mind and I at constant odds.

Some days I quiet my mind, no problem.  Other days, like today, my mind takes control and there is little peace to be found.

On the tough days I am thankful for my five reasons.  I am thankful for five reminders.

Reminders to breathe, just breathe.