Just You
Category: Head Case
Dealing with depression & anxiety
I Will Not Be Erased
I will, forever,
Leave my mark.
I will not be silenced by your rigidity.
I will not be made to feel less,
Because your view differs from my own.
I will stand proudly,
In admiration of who I am becoming.
I will not be erased.
I will no longer be chained,
By guilt that you told me to carry.
I will no longer suffer,
Because of who I once was.
I will no longer,
Live in fear of opinion.
Instead I will be brave,
A force to be reckoned with.
I will not be erased.
I am not perfect,
Made millions of mistakes.
They do not define me,
I am not them.
I am resilient,
I am a warrior.
I will not be erased.
I have carried the weight of loss,
Guilt, sadness, brokenness.
Yet, still I remain.
I will not be erased.
If I weren’t here to speak my truth,
Would it be easier for you?
Easier to live,
As if your views are the only ones that count?
Easier to prove,
Your reality is the only truth?
Easier to silence,
Your own souls attempt to awaken you,
From unconscious slumber?
I am not here to make things easier.
I am here,
To live my truth.
I will, forever, leave my mark.
I will not be erased.
I Will Love The Skin I’m In
I will honor my body.
I will love the skin I’m in.
I will no longer compare my body to another woman’s.
The journey I have been on is my own, no one else can know the darkness I have caused my body to endure, no one else can know the light that shines through me regardless of that darkness.
I will no longer look in the mirror and cringe. I will embrace my flaws.
I will no longer be controlled by body image. We are all just star dust, in this imperfect human form.
I will be ok with where I am, no matter what the scale says. No matter what society says.
I will leave behind detrimental thinking patterns that have caused me to focus solely on my outward appearance. What a waste of time that is.
I will begin using that time to tend to matters of the soul. Striving everyday to grow, to be a better human, to love BIGGER.
I will love myself.
I will love my reflection in windows as I pass by, not because I am super model status, but because I am so much more.
I am me.
I am love, I am beauty, I am fearless.
I will not be constrained by what society calls beautiful. I will wear what I want, when I want, with no apologies.
I will no longer be a slave to the scale. That number isn’t real. What is real, is the magic that dwells inside me.
I will no longer call myself names or criticize myself. Goddess knows, there are enough critics running around, why add to that?
I am not fat, I am not saggy, I am not cellulite, or stretchmarks, or wrinkles, or gray hair.
I am amazingly me. Unique in all I think and say and do. I will revel in my uniqueness.
I will no longer guilt myself into doing things that I don’t enjoy. I will listen to my body.
There are days I want to lift heavy things, days I want to do yoga, days I want to hike, and then there are days I want to lie on the couch all day, cuddled up with a good book and some chocolate.
I give myself permission to do ALL of those things.
I will do them when I want, how I want, and without feeling a damn bit guilty about it.
It is okay for me to go to the gym, & equally okay for me NOT to go to the gym. Okay to practice yoga, while just as okay NOT to practice.
I will listen to my body and give it what it needs. Whatever that need may be, in that moment, on that day.
I am ever-changing, as is my body, there is no one size fits all life. I am realizing this now…
I will love me.
I will take long baths, naps, and walks in the sunshine.
I will fuel my body with nutrients that make me feel alive. I will have greens and vitamins and shakes.
I will also lavishly enjoy chocolate, wine and southern cooking.
I will find my own truth.
I will find my own balance.
I will no longer force my body to endure brutal workouts day in and day out in pursuit of perfect muscle definition. Because, what good is a perfect body if it is carrying a broken soul?
Instead I will move in ways that make me happy, simply to say thank you to my body for how amazing it has been to me.
I will take care of myself.
I will rest, I will meditate, I will sit in silence.
I give myself permission to howl at the moon, to dance around naked, to be unceremoniously wild.
I will love me.
I’ve Been Waiting For You
Life Is What You Make It
I know you’ve heard it. We’ve all heard it.
I had heard it fifty gazillion times. I had read The Secret, I had read the scriptures about the power of the tongue. I knew about speaking things that weren’t as if they were. I was (still am) a quote junkie. I had quotes taped all over our house.
Yet, even with all that knowledge floating around, even with inspirational quote overdose… for years my life remained a collection of trials, pain, suffering and lack.
I was barely keeping my head above water.
Until one day I couldn’t. I just couldn’t tread water anymore….
I began to sink. I sank and sank. Deeper and deeper.
I felt like I was living in a hole. My life consisted of going to work, then coming home to sleep. That was it. That was my life. I occasionally returned a text or call from a close friend, just so they wouldn’t send out a search party. Other than that, I was a hermit. I didn’t leave the house. That would take too much energy. On the rare occasion that I did find the energy, my anxiety was too fierce to allow me to leave the safety of my hermit shell. I became so sad. And tired. I quit going to the gym. My yoga mat, stored carefully in the corner of my bedroom, grew dusty from disuse. I stopped drawing, I stopped journaling, I stopped painting.
I stopped living.
Life was passing me by. With each day spent in my self-imposed prison, I grew more desperate. I cried. A lot. I sat in the dark in my closet, one of the only places I could silence the anxiety. I slept. And slept. Although no amount of rest or sleep was enough to combat my lack of energy.
I began to have scary thoughts. Thoughts that said if this was all that life had to offer, I wasn’t sure I wanted it. Thoughts that told me to just accept the fact that I was going to ride these repeated ups and downs forever. I was worried about finances, I was worried about what I thought my career should look like, I was worried and guilted constantly by all my many failures.
Since checking out was just not an option (I have a basketball team of kids to think about!), checking into the nearest mental health facility seemed to be where I was headed. I was at my breaking point. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I couldn’t stand my own self.
I am thankful that I had that though because, if I can’t stand myself…who is “I”? This question would be posed (and answered) in a book I happened upon…
Perspective Shift
One day while mindlessly scrolling through the internet I discovered a video of Eckhart Tolle. I can’t even tell you where I found it, or what he was saying, but I was intrigued. Of course, Google was the first place I headed. I read a tiny blurb about this book that Eckhart Tolle had written called Power of Now. Typically, not one to make impulse buys, I did just that. I ordered the book right then and there.
My life will never be the same. I cannot tell you what that one little action has done for my life. Eckhart Tolle led me to realize that I am not my mind. That I can control my thoughts. That I don’t have to be held prisoner. That I can be free, that I can be awake.
Do I think that one book has all the answers? No. Do I think I have it all figured out now? No.
I am still working on me…I am nowhere near where I should be, where I want to be…I do NOT have it all figured out.
But for the first time in my life I am finally seeing the power of positivity first hand. The change that comes when focus goes from the bad to the good. The awesomeness that happens when I choose to be the watcher of my thoughts and emotions.
Since this tiny revelation, of being the “watcher”, BIG changes are happening. EXCITING changes. POSITIVE changes. The grass seems greener, the sky bluer…I am able to let more just roll right off my back. I am better able to just accept what is. To lean into the discomfort and just breathe (sound familiar yogis?).
Big Dreams
I worried that I would never find a way to be a mom, and a nurse, a student and still work on pursuing my passion (building my own company). I didn’t know if that was even possible. Was I being unrealistic?
As I began to shift my perspective. I realized that everything was going to work out. I realized that my dreams are big, but could be even bigger. There are no limits on life except the ones we give ourselves! I realized that I was going to take charge of my life. I want to be limitless! I decided I would take steps every day to get me closer to my goals.
One way or the other, I was going to keep pressing forward. Being positive, being relentless in my pursuit of my purpose, watching my thoughts and emotions.
It’s Happening
Guess what guys? It’s happening!!!! Positive vibes are coming at me from everywhere! In fact, an opportunity landed in my lap just today that will bring much needed balance. An opportunity that will allow me to continue my career, my education and pursue my passion. In fact, I am sitting here, smiling like an idiot, in shock about it to be honest.
I cannot WAIT to receive more awesomeness into my life this year!!!!!!
The more I refuse to dwell on the negative, the more positive influences I welcome to my life, the more I am amazed!
My life has ALREADY changed in ways I never thought possible. Doors are opening everywhere!
It’s like the Universe is saying, “I’ve been waiting for you”.
Addicted To Thought
Confession
I’ve officially been MIA from my blog. Not because I had nothing to say, simply because I couldn’t find the words nor energy to express all the things circling around in my head. While my writing ceased, my thoughts grew. That’s how it happens. I begin going inward, getting lost in my own thoughts, lost in the worry of tomorrow and pain of yesterday. It feels as if I lack the ability to get out of my own head. I become trapped there. Fighting. Fighting through depression, fighting through sickness, fighting tiredness. I become more and more unconnected. I distance myself from friends, family, even Brent. I feel alone in my pain, alone in my depression, alone in my cerebral prison.
Unfortunately, this experience is not new to me. I have become aware of this pattern in my life. The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?
Hello, my name is Kristal. I am addicted to thought.
Cerebral Prisoner
I have become controlled by my thoughts. This has led to being anxious, depressed, hopeless…I could go on.
So now what? What do you do when your prison guard is with you 100% of the time? How do you escape?
My quest begins! I am hopeful that I will be able to break this habit. I recently learned, I am not my mind. Sounds crazy, right? It’s not. That statement alone has allowed me to climb out of the dark caverns I’ve been hiding in. It has given me freedom to live. I am not my thoughts. Instead I am the keeper of thoughts, the watcher of the mind.
I am becoming more aware. More aware of my thoughts, my emotions, my reactions, my anxieties.
The Watcher
So far, this has been quite a change. It is changing the way I look at myself. I am no longer defined by my mind. I am the watcher. I like it. Just this slight change in perception has already helped to quell my anxieties. Becoming the watcher has made me feel more at peace, more even tempered, more hopeful.
I have so far to go. My mind is not the only thing that is in desperate need of change. While hibernating in the darkness I have not been kind to my mind or body. I know that. Again…I am admitting…. As I become more and more identified with the watcher I am more aware of the need for balance. Yes, balance (there’s that word again, my favorite word for quite some time now. Balance in all things is what I’m after). I must start feeding my body what it needs. I must start moving more. I must keep myself hydrated.
Begin Again
Stoked, to see what this journey is going to teach me. Happy, that instead of becoming the definition of insanity, I am breaking those patterns in my life that aren’t working for me.
This is just the beginning. I am retraining my brain. Taking charge of my mind, which gives me charge of my life. I WILL run my life, instead of life running me.
Recent Inspo
What are your thoughts? Do you identify yourself solely through your thoughts? Do you think the mind is powerful enough to control us without our even being aware of it?
Boost Your Mood
I’ve been in a low recently. Booo hissss. Good news is, I’m climbing on up! I’ve done some soul searching, some meditation, lots of reading…you get the picture. My mind and soul are feeling much better, but I have still been lacking in the body department. Since my goal is balance in all things, I’ve gotta get my butt in gear!! Get movin’!
I made this infographic to share some much-needed motivation for myself & anyone else feeling the struggle.
Here’s to hoping this gives someone a little boost!
breathe, just breathe.
Today there is no silencing the darkness. Today I am shrouded in a heavy, black cloud.
This cloud slowly sucking life from my body. A storm cloud, thundering so loudly I am unable to hear anything but its booming.
Booming, booming, booming. Silencing peace. Silencing positivity. Silencing all logic.
Physically, I hurt. More of an ache, really. Waxing and waning like the tide. My hands and feet tingle when the anxiety comes. The weight of my chest increasing 10 times when the feeling is at its worst.
I am tired, so tired (even though I slept from 11am Tuesday until 8am today, Wednesday). In spite of this excessive sleep, all I want to do is go back to sleep (but even that thought brings anxiety about tomorrow).
I spent the morning drinking coffee as usual, although today, I retreated into the quiet darkness of my closet.
I close the door and quietly cry. Floods of tears soak my face, no matter how hard I try to hold them back. Even when I gather the strength to leave the safety of my closet, tears continue to escape.
My mind swirls with thoughts and emotion.
Worry. Sadness. Confusion. Anger. Defeat.
Breathe, just breathe I tell myself.
Breathe, just breathe.
The swirling madness slows. Still, I am unable to make it stop.
I go through the motions. I put one foot in front of the other.
I should eat, but I can’t. I should watch a funny movie. I should meditate. I should take a walk. I should exercise. I should…. I should…I should…
Instead, I remain frozen in my depression. I disappear into the blackness. Trapped in my own head. I feel sorry for myself. I feel stupid for the illogical thoughts that control my mind. I feel like a failure at life. I feel, and feel, and feel. I feel until the only feeling I have is numbness…. then I remember,
Breathe, just breathe.
There are five reasons, I remain. Five reasons, I keep going. Five constant reminders to…
Breathe, just breathe.
One day the world may turn its back on them. One day they may need someone in their corner. One day they may feel as alone as I have felt. As long as it is in my power, I will ensure that they are never alone (no matter the twists and turns they face, no matter their choices, no matter what).
I hug the little two, I look at pictures. I write words the five may never read. I find comfort in their goodness. Peace in their innocence. Hope in their potential.
Breathe, just breathe.
Loved ones stand by helpless, unable to pull me from the blackness. They can’t. No one can. I have to face it alone. Yes, it helps to have support. It is nice when someone reminds you they are there. But ultimately, when the battle is with your mind, you are the one doing the fighting.
You are the one who must continually, tirelessly, each and every day, save yourself. No one else can.
I know this will pass. I’ve been here before. Eventually the sun will shine again. Light and love always win.
Even in this knowing, today I remain cloaked in my darkness. A familiar feeling.
Today, like many other days, I am my own worst enemy. My mind and I at constant odds.
Some days I quiet my mind, no problem. Other days, like today, my mind takes control and there is little peace to be found.
On the tough days I am thankful for my five reasons. I am thankful for five reminders.
Reminders to breathe, just breathe.
Time Will Tell You
Since I’m on a journey through the past here with my poems, I will share another. This one was written in March of 1997 as well. Even then I knew the struggle between being who you are expected to be and being who you really are…
The choice is yours…
The Game
I found this poem I had written March 3, 1997. I was so young and had never faced addiction. No it’s not the best, but I love the honesty of my work at this age.
Mindfulness: There’s An App For That
What is Mindfulness?
Mindfulness defined by Merriam-Webster:
1: the quality or state of being mindful
2: the practice of maintaining a nonjudgmental state of heightened or complete awareness of one’s thoughts, emotions, or experiences on a moment-to-moment basis; also : such a state of awareness
Ever gotten in your car, arrived somewhere, then thought, “How did I get here?”
Sat down with a bag of Milanos turned on your fav Netflix addiction, suddenly look down only to realize the bag in your lap is empty?
Found yourself, anxious, mind racing, worrying about a situation that may or may not EVER happen?
I can’t be alone here! Right?
We lose ourselves in the noise. It seems to be the norm these days. Have you ever met anyone that is just naturally mindful? Aware? I haven’t. I am sure they exist, heck maybe you are one of those people. Good for you! For the rest of us, mindfulness takes practice.
Practice Makes Perfect?
Practice? Practice mindfulness?
Yes, that’s right. Practice.
As for perfection? I really [don’t] hate to break it to you, just in case you didn’t know already… You aren’t built for perfection. None of us are! Don’t expect your meditation to be.
It can be HARD to reign in the mind. It feels unnatural to sit quietly…DOING NOTHING {GASP}. Even when I conquer the guilt, there are days my brain just won’t cooperate. Insisting on going 10,000 directions, the mind refuses to be leashed. Then, other days I have focus. I leave those meditations feeling like a BOSS, feeling like I can sit in Atlanta traffic without swearing, like I can solve world hunger (I’ll let you know if any of those happen). Ups and downs. So while I can’t promise you will suddenly find yourself sitting underneath the Bodhi tree. What I will promise is, the more you practice mindfulness, the easier it becomes.
I’ve been finding more time for me. And guess what? The more time I spend in meditation, the more I find mindfulness in my every day life. I’m becoming more and more aware of my NOW. Of this very moment. Of the breath giving life to my body. Of the sounds and smells around me. Of my thoughts and emotions.
Mindfulness brings awareness to who you TRULY are.
Who you were MEANT to be!
Where Do I Start?
Maybe you know all about meditation. Maybe you know NOTHING. Either way, mindfulness is achievable. If you can breathe (if you can’t, I’m pretty sure you have bigger problems than how to be mindful…just sayin…) you can meditate.
The secret of meditation?? Meditating.
Just DO IT! Start right now, wherever you are.
It’s as simple as taking a moment, closing your eyes, finding your breath and focusing on only that. Breath in, Breath out. That’s it. Repeat.
Connect to that life-giving breath. Really feel it. Take some deep breaths. Breathe normally. When your mind begins to wander, gently bring it back to your breathing.
That’s it. That’s meditation. That’s mindfulness. You did it!
It’s seriously that easy. You don’t have to fold yourself into a pretzel, you don’t have to become a Buddhist monk. You don’t even have to sing Om. Nope, none of that.
And you know what I love?? Mindfulness meditation can benefit EVERYONE. It makes my heart happy. It doesn’t matter how old you are, your religious affiliation, your culture, your sexual orientation, your ethnicity. None of that matters. Meditation is for everyone, mindfulness helps us all!
I don’t know about you, but in this crazy world, I need all the help I can get.
You Said There Was An App For That!
Ok, ok so the point of all my ramblings…
If you wanna dig a little deeper into this mindfulness business, or maybe you already have a meditation practice. Doesn’t matter… Either way, I made a discovery for you!!!!!
I am SO STOKED with this new app I downloaded a few weeks ago!!!! Yep, I am a weirdo. Yep, I do get excited about random things. This is one of those things.
Smiling Mind
On my quest to find some new guided meditations I found TONS of apps. Lots of them say FREE! Yay!! Right???!?!
Nope.
With most of the apps I downloaded, you got one measly meditation for free…that’s it…ONE…really!?!?!! Grrrr….Ain’t nobody got $$$ for that!!! 😉
So I was getting a little disappointed with my options…Until…
SMILING MIND 🙂
Wooohooo!!
First off let me just say, it’s completely FREE! No in-app purchases, no pay to unlock, nope, none of that! F-R-E-E, free.
Smiling Mind is a non-profit who’s goal is bringing mindfulness to ALL! This app was designed by psychologists & educators who are on a mission to bring mindfulness meditation to the Australian NATIONAL curriculum. Yes, national (A whole country full of mindful kids? Sounds Awesome!).
It is full of programs for everyone. There are categories for kids, adults, classrooms, workplaces. Whoever and wherever you are, you will find something here that fits.
There are also REMINDERS! I love reminders. (Even with them I tend to forget stuff…lots of stuff…) You can set the app up to remind you to meditate at certain times of day, or to remind you that you haven’t meditated in a certain time frame (1 day, 2 days, 1 week….it’s up to you). I’ve set mine up to remind me if I’ve gone longer than 24hrs without meditating. Although, I haven’t needed it thanks to Phoenix (he’s the youngest member of the Tribe).
Are We Going To Do Our Breathing Tonight?
I hear this EVERY night from my youngest, Phoenix. We made the app part of our bedtime routine. I love that they love to be mindful!! It has made a difference in our bedtime routine! After we do our short 5-10 minute guided meditation, the kids are relaxed, peaceful & ready to hit the hay!!! Struggle-free bedtime?? Yes, please!! Sign me up!!!
Mindfulness is helping in their everyday lives as well. They are finding ways to calm themselves, discovering emotions, making wishes, appreciating the work their bodies do for them each day. Spending those few minutes meditating at night brings us all more peace, and who doesn’t love peace?
So, what are you waiting for?
Check this app* out, and let me know what you think!!
*Smiling Mind also has a website.
Kristal McEwen 