Work in Progress

Should I Blame the Moon?

I have been slammed with SUPER intense emotions.  Crashing over me like waves.  I’m fine for a minute then, BAM, another hits. Maybe it was the full moon, the lunar eclipse, or the comet that passed a few nights ago?  Maybe it’s just where I am in life?

All I know for certain is…

I am becoming aware.

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I realize, to some,this sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo.  But it is honestly the state of my being right now.  Everything in me is changing, evolving…

Becoming More…

I am becoming more awake.  More aware.

Aware of the things I have let defeat me.  Aware of the thoughts that have held me prisoner.  Aware of the negativity that I allowed to permeate everything around me.

I am seeing with fresh eyes the things that suck up my time.  The things that suck up my soul.

I am becoming awake.

awakening

I am awakening to the collective unconscious.  The societal voices that become our inner monologues.

I am seeing that I have allowed those voices to steal my confidence, my joy, my passion.

I am awakening to the lies that I have believed simply because generations before me accepted them as truth.  I now cringe at the “that’s the way great-great-granny did it” mentality.

I am waking up to see that it is sometimes the comfort of the lies that hold us back.  We have become afraid to rock the boat. Some of us have let our own voice grow silent, adopting instead the voice of complacency.

I see now the time wasted, never to be regained, on the belief that we need to follow societal norms. We live in fear of doing something “wrong”, messing things up.

I see the lie of perfection. The desire for perfection, in all things, cripples us.  We want perfect hair before our pictures.  We need the perfect shoes for our outfits.  We won’t be happy with our body, with our lives, until we reach our goal(s).

I no longer believe the lie that we must “climb the ladder” to succeed.   The need for titles behind our names & signs in front of our parking spaces.  Just more lies.

I pray to never again be convinced of the importance of these pretensions.

Hopeful

I am hopeful that each day I will continue to become more aware, more awake.

I hope to become a better version of me each day simply by laying down things that no longer serve me and making room for new and healthy thought patterns and life habits.

I vow to escape the deception of perfection.  In fact, I will avoid striving for perfection at all. Instead focusing on growth in every area of my life.

I will be me bravely, with intentions of failing boldly in MANY endeavors.

bravely

I have been awakened to the life force buzzing around us all.

The Most Important Thing

I have so many things to be grateful for in my life yet, this is the most important thing I have ever done. It is not easy to change your old thoughts, old habits.  It is not easy to let go of things that you identify as “yourself”, but it is so rewarding.

Striving to become more awake, more aware, has changed/is changing every aspect of my life.   I realize now, that striving to be the best version of me is so important.  It’s not selfish or self-serving.  Working on me, gives me the strength to be there for others.

This awareness has begun to overflow into every detail of my life.  Becoming a better me allows me to be a better mom, wife, friend….PERSON.

Stepping back from old thought patterns, becoming accepting of the way things are, letting in more light and love into my life…these are the things I am most grateful for today.

I am a work in progress.  I hope to always be a work in progress.

in-progress

*How much better a world would this be for our children if we ALL vowed to work on ourselves EVERY DAY?    

I’ve Been Waiting For You

life-is-what-you

Life Is What You Make It

I know you’ve heard it.  We’ve all heard it.

I had heard it fifty gazillion times.  I had read The Secret, I had read the scriptures about the power of the tongue.  I knew about speaking things that weren’t as if they were.  I was (still am) a quote junkie.  I had quotes taped all over our house.

Yet, even with all that knowledge floating around, even with inspirational quote overdose… for years my life remained a collection of trials, pain, suffering and lack.

I was barely keeping my head above water.

Until one day I couldn’t.  I just couldn’t tread water anymore….

drowning

I began to sink.  I sank and sank.  Deeper and deeper.

I felt like I was living in a hole.  My life consisted of going to work, then coming home to sleep. That was it.  That was my life.  I occasionally returned a text or call from a close friend, just so they wouldn’t send out a search party.  Other than that, I was a hermit.  I didn’t leave the house.  That would take too much energy.  On the rare occasion that I did find the energy, my anxiety was too fierce to allow me to leave the safety of my hermit shell.  I became so sad. And tired. I quit going to the gym.  My yoga mat, stored carefully in the corner of my bedroom, grew dusty from disuse.  I stopped drawing, I stopped journaling, I stopped painting.

I stopped living.

Life was passing me by.  With each day spent in my self-imposed prison, I grew more desperate.  I cried.  A lot.  I sat in the dark in my closet, one of the only places I could silence the anxiety.  I slept.  And slept.  Although no amount of rest or sleep was enough to combat my lack of energy.

I began to have scary thoughts.  Thoughts that said if this was all that life had to offer, I wasn’t sure I wanted it.  Thoughts that told me to just accept the fact that I was going to ride these repeated ups and downs forever.  I was worried about finances, I was worried about what I thought my career should look like, I was worried and guilted constantly by all my many failures.

Since checking out was just not an option (I have a basketball team of kids to think about!), checking into the nearest mental health facility seemed to be where I was headed.  I was at my breaking point.  I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I couldn’t stand my own self.

I am thankful that I had that though because, if I can’t stand myself…who is “I”?  This question would be posed (and answered) in a book I happened upon…

Perspective Shift

One day while mindlessly scrolling through the internet I discovered a video of Eckhart Tolle.  I can’t even tell you where I found it, or what he was saying, but I was intrigued.  Of course, Google was the first place I headed.  I read a tiny blurb about this book that Eckhart Tolle had written called Power of Now.  Typically, not one to make impulse buys, I did just that.  I ordered the book right then and there.

My life will never be the same.  I cannot tell you what that one little action has done for my life.  Eckhart Tolle led me to realize that I am not my mind.  That I can control my thoughts.  That I don’t have to be held prisoner.  That I can be free, that I can be awake.

Do I think that one book has all the answers?  No.  Do I think I have it all figured out now? No.

I am still working on me…I am nowhere near where I should be, where I want to be…I do NOT have it all figured out.

But for the first time in my life I am finally seeing the power of positivity first hand.  The change that comes when focus goes from the bad to the good.  The awesomeness that happens when I choose to be the watcher of my thoughts and emotions.

Since this tiny revelation, of being the “watcher”, BIG changes are happening.  EXCITING changes.  POSITIVE changes.  The grass seems greener, the sky bluer…I am able to let more just roll right off my back.  I am better able to just accept what is.  To lean into the discomfort and just breathe (sound familiar yogis?).

Big Dreams

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I worried that I would never find a way to be a mom, and a nurse, a student and still work on pursuing my passion (building my own company).  I didn’t know if that was even possible.  Was I being unrealistic?

As I began to shift my perspective.  I realized that everything was going to work out.  I realized that my dreams are big, but could be even bigger.  There are no limits on life except the ones we give ourselves!  I realized that I was going to take charge of my life.  I want to be limitless!  I decided I would take steps every day to get me closer to my goals.

One way or the other, I was going to keep pressing forward.  Being positive, being relentless in my pursuit of my purpose, watching my thoughts and emotions.

It’s Happening

Guess what guys?  It’s happening!!!! Positive vibes are coming at me from everywhere!  In fact, an opportunity landed in my lap just today that will bring much needed balance.   An opportunity that will allow me to continue my career, my education and pursue my passion.  In fact, I am sitting here, smiling like an idiot, in shock about it to be honest.

I cannot WAIT to receive more awesomeness into my life this year!!!!!!

The more I refuse to dwell on the negative, the more positive influences I welcome to my life, the more I am amazed!

My life has ALREADY changed in ways I never thought possible.  Doors are opening everywhere!

It’s like the Universe is saying, “I’ve been waiting for you”.  

sign

 

 

Addicted To Thought

Confession

I’ve officially been MIA from my blog.  Not because I had nothing to say, simply because I couldn’t find the words nor energy to express all the things circling around in my head.  While my writing ceased, my thoughts grew.  That’s how it happens.  I begin going inward, getting lost in my own thoughts, lost in the worry of tomorrow and pain of yesterday.  It feels as if I lack the ability to get out of my own head.  I become trapped there. Fighting. Fighting through depression, fighting through sickness, fighting tiredness.  I become more and more unconnected.  I distance myself from friends, family, even Brent.  I feel alone in my pain, alone in my depression, alone in my cerebral prison.

Unfortunately, this experience is not new to me.  I have become aware of this pattern in my life.  The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

Hello, my name is Kristal.  I am addicted to thought.

Cerebral Prisoner

I have become controlled by my thoughts.  This has led to being anxious, depressed, hopeless…I could go on.

So now what?  What do you do when your prison guard is with you 100% of the time?  How do you escape?

My quest begins!  I am hopeful that I will be able to break this habit.  I recently learned, I am not my mind.  Sounds crazy, right?  It’s not.  That statement alone has allowed me to climb out of the dark caverns I’ve been hiding in.  It has given me freedom to live.  I am not my thoughts.  Instead I am the keeper of thoughts, the watcher of the mind.

I am becoming more aware.  More aware of my thoughts, my emotions, my reactions, my anxieties.

The Watcher

So far, this has been quite a change.  It is changing the way I look at myself.  I am no longer defined by my mind.  I am the watcher.  I like it.  Just this slight change in perception has already helped to quell my anxieties.  Becoming the watcher has made me feel more at peace, more even tempered, more hopeful.

I have so far to go.  My mind is not the only thing that is in desperate need of change.  While hibernating in the darkness I have not been kind to my mind or body.  I know that.  Again…I am admitting…. As I become more and more identified with the watcher I am more aware of the need for balance.  Yes, balance (there’s that word again, my favorite word for quite some time now.  Balance in all things is what I’m after).  I must start feeding my body what it needs.  I must start moving more.  I must keep myself hydrated.

Begin Again

Stoked, to see what this journey is going to teach me.  Happy, that instead of becoming the definition of insanity, I am breaking those patterns in my life that aren’t working for me.

This is just the beginning.  I am retraining my brain.  Taking charge of my mind, which gives me charge of my life.  I WILL run my life, instead of life running me.

Recent Inspo

Women Who Run With the Wolves

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The Power of Now

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Live Your Legend

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What are your thoughts?  Do you identify yourself solely through your thoughts?  Do you think the mind is powerful enough to control us without our even being aware of it?