Work in Progress

Should I Blame the Moon?

I have been slammed with SUPER intense emotions.  Crashing over me like waves.  I’m fine for a minute then, BAM, another hits. Maybe it was the full moon, the lunar eclipse, or the comet that passed a few nights ago?  Maybe it’s just where I am in life?

All I know for certain is…

I am becoming aware.

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I realize, to some,this sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo.  But it is honestly the state of my being right now.  Everything in me is changing, evolving…

Becoming More…

I am becoming more awake.  More aware.

Aware of the things I have let defeat me.  Aware of the thoughts that have held me prisoner.  Aware of the negativity that I allowed to permeate everything around me.

I am seeing with fresh eyes the things that suck up my time.  The things that suck up my soul.

I am becoming awake.

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I am awakening to the collective unconscious.  The societal voices that become our inner monologues.

I am seeing that I have allowed those voices to steal my confidence, my joy, my passion.

I am awakening to the lies that I have believed simply because generations before me accepted them as truth.  I now cringe at the “that’s the way great-great-granny did it” mentality.

I am waking up to see that it is sometimes the comfort of the lies that hold us back.  We have become afraid to rock the boat. Some of us have let our own voice grow silent, adopting instead the voice of complacency.

I see now the time wasted, never to be regained, on the belief that we need to follow societal norms. We live in fear of doing something “wrong”, messing things up.

I see the lie of perfection. The desire for perfection, in all things, cripples us.  We want perfect hair before our pictures.  We need the perfect shoes for our outfits.  We won’t be happy with our body, with our lives, until we reach our goal(s).

I no longer believe the lie that we must “climb the ladder” to succeed.   The need for titles behind our names & signs in front of our parking spaces.  Just more lies.

I pray to never again be convinced of the importance of these pretensions.

Hopeful

I am hopeful that each day I will continue to become more aware, more awake.

I hope to become a better version of me each day simply by laying down things that no longer serve me and making room for new and healthy thought patterns and life habits.

I vow to escape the deception of perfection.  In fact, I will avoid striving for perfection at all. Instead focusing on growth in every area of my life.

I will be me bravely, with intentions of failing boldly in MANY endeavors.

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I have been awakened to the life force buzzing around us all.

The Most Important Thing

I have so many things to be grateful for in my life yet, this is the most important thing I have ever done. It is not easy to change your old thoughts, old habits.  It is not easy to let go of things that you identify as “yourself”, but it is so rewarding.

Striving to become more awake, more aware, has changed/is changing every aspect of my life.   I realize now, that striving to be the best version of me is so important.  It’s not selfish or self-serving.  Working on me, gives me the strength to be there for others.

This awareness has begun to overflow into every detail of my life.  Becoming a better me allows me to be a better mom, wife, friend….PERSON.

Stepping back from old thought patterns, becoming accepting of the way things are, letting in more light and love into my life…these are the things I am most grateful for today.

I am a work in progress.  I hope to always be a work in progress.

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*How much better a world would this be for our children if we ALL vowed to work on ourselves EVERY DAY?    

What’s Your Average?

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“You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.”

-Scott Dinsmore

 

Bam!  Truth bomb!

When I read this quote I had TONS of thoughts.  Thought I’d share a few:

Thought #1 –

There are not currently 5 people that I spend a lot of time with.  I’ve become quite the hermit lately.  I’ve battled depression and anxiety for the past couple months and when those dark times come, instead of doing what I know I should… reach out for support, I withdraw into myself and make as little connection with ANYONE as humanly possible.  There I stay, captured by thought and a feeling of continual angst.  Sounds fun right?!? Ugh.

I’ve got to get out more!

Thought #2-

My relationships with my loved ones are less than healthy. My relationship with my parents is strained, my relationship with my in-laws is distant (although they melt my heart and I would be lost without them), my relationship with Brent is a roller-coaster of emotion (he and I are opposites in MUCH, and while it is exciting, it is also a lot of work).  I’m not very close to anyone else in my family (in any sense, location included).

In fact, as I thought about this quote I realized that I am quite the loner.  Don’t get me wrong I love my alone time, but I think that is one reason I get trapped in my own head a lot.  This may seem like a negative discovery, but I am thankful for awareness.  I am thankful that I am discovering negative patterns in my life.  I am becoming aware!

Awareness is not always comfortable, but it is awesome!!

Thought #3 –

My favorite people in the whole world are such a random collective:

  • My “mom” – a Wiccan who lives in Florida. Haven’t been able to give her a real life hug in YEARS (I need to make that happen sooooooon), but she has been one constant in my crazy, crazy life.  She is my rock.
  • My spicy Puerto Rican – I can share the very deepest, darkest parts of my heart with her, and she loves me just the same.  Never any judgement.
  • My Boo – One of the first people to reach out to this struggling, hot mess of a pregnant chick (cough, cough…ME) that felt utterly alone after having recently moved. We’ve laughed and cried together. She makes my heart happy.
  • My BIG – A tattooed, wild-haired, vegan, earth loving, GIANT-hearted friend. No matter how long between contact our connection never fades. Love shines out of her!

The best people are the weird ones!

The ones who laugh BIG, who dream BIG, who love BIG.  The square pegs that REFUSE to fit in round holes.  The freethinkers.  The mavericks.

I am SOOOOO glad that my friends are all such strange folks!!!!!!

I wouldn’t have it ANY other way!

Thought #4 –

I am super blessed in the friend department.

There are so many more people who I hold dear.  So many people who have changed my life in positive ways.  As I contemplated my “average”, I caught myself thinking about how many people AMAZING people I have in my life.  Some I talk to regularly, most I don’t.  Some I haven’t talked to in years, yet they remain dear to my heart.  So many smiles as I think about these people.  So many amazing people I have the privilege to call friend.

I am reminded of the cheesy Girl Scout song that said, “Make new friends, but keep the old.  One is silver and the other gold.”

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I’ve collected so much silver and gold  over the years.

Thank you to everyone I call friend!

Thank you for making me smile, even as I type this!

Thought #5 –

I don’t want my “average” to be average.

I’m done with thinking small.  I’m done with petty.  I’m done with people who don’t love big.  I’m done with drama.  I’m done with settlers.

This year I vow to find and surround myself with people that I want to be like when I grow up (still haven’t decided if I EVER will).  People who are making a difference.  People who are spreading love and light.  People who not only dream BIG, but are accomplishing BIG things.

I had a convo tonight with another freethinker.  We talked about settling.  We decided we have done too much of that in our lives.  I just kept saying, “There has to be more.”

I believe that with my whole heart.  There is more.  There is life with purpose.  There is life full of happiness.  There is a true North for each of us to follow.

Here’s to finding purpose in 2017!

Here’s to a new year full of dreaming and achieving GINORMOUS things!!!!

Here’s to my friends both silver and gold!

I love you all!!!!

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