I’ve officially been MIA from my blog. Not because I had nothing to say, simply because I couldn’t find the words nor energy to express all the things circling around in my head. While my writing ceased, my thoughts grew. That’s how it happens. I begin going inward, getting lost in my own thoughts, lost in the worry of tomorrow and pain of yesterday. It feels as if I lack the ability to get out of my own head. I become trapped there. Fighting. Fighting through depression, fighting through sickness, fighting tiredness. I become more and more unconnected. I distance myself from friends, family, even Brent. I feel alone in my pain, alone in my depression, alone in my cerebral prison.
Unfortunately, this experience is not new to me. I have become aware of this pattern in my life. The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?
Hello, my name is Kristal. I am addicted to thought.
I have become controlled by my thoughts. This has led to being anxious, depressed, hopeless…I could go on.
So now what? What do you do when your prison guard is with you 100% of the time? How do you escape?
My quest begins! I am hopeful that I will be able to break this habit. I recently learned, I am not my mind. Sounds crazy, right? It’s not. That statement alone has allowed me to climb out of the dark caverns I’ve been hiding in. It has given me freedom to live. I am not my thoughts. Instead I am the keeper of thoughts, the watcher of the mind.
I am becoming more aware. More aware of my thoughts, my emotions, my reactions, my anxieties.
So far, this has been quite a change. It is changing the way I look at myself. I am no longer defined by my mind. I am the watcher. I like it. Just this slight change in perception has already helped to quell my anxieties. Becoming the watcher has made me feel more at peace, more even tempered, more hopeful.
I have so far to go. My mind is not the only thing that is in desperate need of change. While hibernating in the darkness I have not been kind to my mind or body. I know that. Again…I am admitting…. As I become more and more identified with the watcher I am more aware of the need for balance. Yes, balance (there’s that word again, my favorite word for quite some time now. Balance in all things is what I’m after). I must start feeding my body what it needs. I must start moving more. I must keep myself hydrated.
Stoked, to see what this journey is going to teach me. Happy, that instead of becoming the definition of insanity, I am breaking those patterns in my life that aren’t working for me.
This is just the beginning. I am retraining my brain. Taking charge of my mind, which gives me charge of my life. I WILL run my life, instead of life running me.
What are your thoughts? Do you identify yourself solely through your thoughts? Do you think the mind is powerful enough to control us without our even being aware of it?